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Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I'm lost but thats not a bad thing

There are a few ways I like to get lost, an they are not all bad or nasty. Music man I love music right now I'm listening to the ohio players "Heaven". An that is exactly what good music is to me. For me music is a stress reliever. It don't cure but dammed if it don't take your mind off of the shit thats bothering you. I like all kinds of music Rapp, R&B, Jazz, and Gosple there are even a few white people songs I like my favorite being Sarah Smile by Hall and Oates, I think they were lead by the Black spirit on that one. But I have found a new love for that old 70's music.

Being a 70's baby I remember my Mom, Aunt an Uncles playing Earth Wind and Fire, The O'jays, and Marvin Gaye. Back the I did'nt understand what they were talking about, I just liked how it sounded. But now I feel the meaning in the words, as far as i'm concrened the 70's was the greatest era in music. The funk the meaning the groove. It's a beautiful thing.

I really love music that speaks directly to me heart an my situation. Donnie Mcklurkin's We fall down is that song. That is a song that can't just sneak up on me, I have to perpare for that one. I have spoke on this before, it is a moment I will carrie with me for the rest of my life. If you don't already know I am an over the road truck driver. One night I was rideing thru Indianapolis about 3 in the am. I had the radio on full blast. I'm ridein an feelin the vibe, feeling the music. Then we fall down came on so since couldn't nobody else hear me I started pertending like I could sing. Please I couldn't carrie a note to save your life. But the song played on an I'm all into it and all of a sudden my voice cracked, an I felt this giant lump in my throat. Then I started thinking about all I had been going thru an the flood gates opened. Now I can't make words come out of my mouth an i'm trying to wipe tears from my eyes cause I still gotta control this big ass truck.

So here I am a bigg ass over grown Man rideing thru a city in the middle of the night with the hi way all to myself crying. But thats the thing I love the most about music. The right song can relieve so much stress. To this day I hear that song an I gotta brace my self. O an I betta not try singing along o it's over. I am a music lover. For the longest time I was stuck on gangsta rapp. But what I realized is, I was lacking love. Aint no love in gangsterism. So slowly I started getting more into R&B but that 70's sound aint nothing like it.  THANK GOD FOR GOOD MUSIC ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!! I love getting lost in the music no need to find my way back from that.. TONE

It's only a wish

They say, you never know what you have till it's gone. They say, you can't miss what you never had. They say you find what your looking for when you are not looking. Well I don't know how true that is or not. All I know is I have a vision of what I would like. I have a vision of something that may not exist. I listen to the music an hear them sing about love. I watch the movies an see them telling a beautiful story. But when I open my eyes an see reality, it aint nothing like that.

My vision maybe lost in a dream. A dream where everything is wonderful. Where the sunshines eternally on my life. Where I can have someone who wants to stand next to me as my equal an walk this journey with me. A dream where that one will want to up lift my instead of bringing me down. A dream where that one will be meant for me an only me. A dream where disputes are settled with adult conversation an not arguements an harsh words and regrets. I ain't Martin Luther King but I do have a dream.

I have a dream where I will find someone who is quick to listen rather than quick to blow a fuse an jusp to curseing. This dream has me with someone who is willing to do what ever it takes to make me happy. But my dream is not a selfish dream because the woman in this dream has a man who is willing to committ to her happiness. This woman in my dream has a man who only puts the one who depend on him the most. This woman in my dream has a man who spend everyday not only provideing for her but makes fall in love with him daily. She has a man who will go to the ends of  the earth to meet her needs.  She has a man who will do small things just to make her smile. this man does personal favors with limited expectations of a return favor just to ease her stress. The man I am in my dream sees no problem with a gift of flowers or a card that says THANK YOU for all you do, for no other reason than it's Tuesday.

100% effort breeds 100% effort does it not. Now a days I don't thinks so. Recent situations have lead me to believe that I shouldn't expect much. Snow in August is about the best I can hope for, meaning if you ask a simple question you may get everything but the truth. I have seen where it is eazier to explode rather than deal with the issues.  I have seen where words are the main focus no action needed an if the actions don't match the words denie, denie, denie, then blow up to avoid speaking on true feelings. I am still hopeful of having my dream come true. I read somehere "Never chase Love, affection or attention. If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having."

That statement woke something up inside of me. I was guilty of doing just that. I had to think hard an search for a reason why. An what I came up with is, since I have been alone for so long an it had been so long since I felt anything for anybody. I latched on to someone I thought I had a connection with, without takeing time to see how this person would react towards me. An because of this I found myself on a oneway street going the wrong way. So I had to ease up an back off, I lowered my hopes an expectations, as a matter of fact a better word would be cancled.

But I offten find myself wondering. Why do I concern myself with love when I have so many issues to deal with. The truth is bringing someelse into my world is not the best thing for me right now. This I know for sure yet it doesn't stop the longing. I don't trust people no farther than I can throw them yet that don't stop the longing. Mentally my head is still all screwed up I am paranoid to a fault, yet it don't stop the longing.

My past is filled with mistakes and failures, I can only hope to use them to create a better future be it alone or with the worthy one. So although I still dream my focus has changed no has been reaffirmed. I have stayed focused thru being sidetracked. Losing my focus caused major problems for me so no matter where my attention strayed to my focus has never changed. But I have a new understanding of patience. Sometimes we have to go thru storms to get to where we are headed. So I know it's not about me, what happens to me an where I end up is not the important issue. The issue is that I stay focused on whats important. Simple math.. TONE

Friday, July 15, 2011


in the movies, when you see a ZOMBIE they are what is suppose to be the walking dead. They rome around aimlessly looking for victims. The are focus only on the hunger they feel. They moan an groan there is no life only animation. movement with purpose. The soul is dead but the body keeps going.

Of course this could never happen in real life. Once your dead your dead. But still ZOMBIES do exist. If you pay close attention you would see them everywhere. No they are not the walking dead. They are the people that never seem to learn. They make mistakes over and over again, get themselves into bad situations time after time. Most people tend to learn from the mistakes they make an try not to repeat them. A ZOMBIE never learns. Every thought, every action, every decition everything he does seems to lead him down the word path.

Some how a ZOMBIE tends to be very good at misinterputation, he always reads people the wrong way. He misreads situations an has his focus in the wrong place. A ZOMBIE looks like anybody else an is highly fuctional and very smart. He just can't stop the endless cycle of making the same mistakes over and over again. He suffers from what I call ZOMBISM. An inabilty to learn an see things clearly an for what they really are.

I speak on ZOMBISM because I have come to realize I am a ZOMBIE. As I search an reflect on my life, I am becoming more an more aware the I keep getting myself into situations that I should have been learned from. No matter how hard I try so things I just can't learn. I find myself lost in the thought of something that I may want but should'nt have. I give people credit that they should'nt have, an I read more into things an people than I should. Doing these always leaves me with a feeling of regret. I feel stupid because it is a road I always find myself on. I should no better.
Do to the fact that I am a ZOMBIE I try to keep my inner circle to just me. It's safer that way.

This way I don't allow the wrong people to get to me. People are my biggest problem. So I like to keep them far away. Someday I hope to cure myself of this but until then I just gotta try to see better.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Just wondering

So many questions go unanswered, life don't come with how to instructions. This being the case we need to find our own way in this world. Have you ever tried to feel your way around in the door in a strange room. Life to me is something like that. The exception being that in life you go thru certain situations over and over again. Therefore it would'nt be the first time in that dark room. But when you fail to learn the first time you go thru what ever that may be you tend to repeat the same mistakes over again.

Just as you may make the same mistakes you are likely to make all new ones. You may think you have learned but the only thing you really learned is not to do that one thing you did before. You failed to learn the right thing to do so instead of making the same mistake you make an entirely new one. Frustrating aint it. There is an old saying, the older you get the dummer you get. To me this makes sence because it is hard for some to find the right answer. Sure you can seek advice for others, but becareful in doing that the one you seek advice from maybe just as screwed up as you.

We all have our onw burdens so tring to talk to others in an effort to ease the stress can be a complete waste of time. They are not interested in your problems nor do they care. Hell they got there own problems to deal with. And then there are the so called friends who would steer you down the word path just to watch you suffer. It's hard to know who to trust an who really has your best interest at heart.

I have tried to  be a true friend to people but I find myself always getting the short end of the stick. If there is an issue someone needed to get of there chest, I would try to listen without judgement even if it was something I really did'nt want to hear about. But all I got in return was what ever your feeling I really don't care an don't want to hear about it. Then there have been times when I did anything and every thing I could to show a friend that I was truly in there corner only to have them turn around an say to me, if what i'm doing aint good enough for you then you should leave me alone. So I just wonder what is a true friend an how do you know when you really have one. Cause to be frankly honest I don't think I have ever really had a true friend. An seeing as how I don't put much stock in people as it is, I don't hold out much hope of ever having one.

Thick and thin what is that these days I think thats not a real concept. Think about it, you have family and friends anyone of which can an will turn they backs own you in a heart beat. Nobody stands with anybody anymore. The closest person to you can be the one to stabb you in the back for any number of reason. So I wonder how can you trust anybody. I don't have a answer for that so I stay to myself an don't let anybody get to close. So many questions left unanswer. Why do we treat each other the way we do? Why is it every time we see someone gaining ground in life we feel the need to pull them down? Why do we pertend to care knowing full well you don't really give a damm? Why do we lead people on? Why do we act like we don't care until we see the one that cares about us start to walk away, an why is that when we decide to show some effort? Why is our effort so short meaning we do just enough to shut them up for awhile then go back to what we been doing. Why do we think everybody is so stupid that they can see our lies?

I mean I could go on and on. It is a sad state we as people are in. I just wonder if we can ever get it together an be real with each other. I refuse to be that way (FAKE), I refuse to treat anybody less than the way I want to be treated. I refuse to settle for FAKENESS. And I refuse to have anyone do anything for me just to shut me up. Bottom line I should'nt have to ask for sertain things an if I do then it actually getting done means nothing because it's only being done because I brought it up, that cheapins it. It doesn't come from the heart. Then as always its back to normal. FUCK NORMAL it aint doing shit for me.

Monday, June 6, 2011


Beauty, the persence of something extremly pleasant to the eye. ugliness that which is distrubing and/or unpleasant. fulfillment, desire, rage, confussion, understanding, knowledge ignorance, generousity, selfishness. Mistakes, accomplishment, happiness, anger, fatigue, energy, the ablity to continue when you just want to give up. Mental strength, weakness, that which is hard at first sight but once you get set off into it turns out not to be so bad. You see life has many highs and lows peaks and valleys, yet from birth we set out on a journey to become strong, knowledgeable, powerful. We win, we lose but we fight on no matter what. The object is to become the best we can be as human beings.

Along the way we tend to stumble, fall, shead blood, but we always get up and press on. This is one of the many things  that make us strong. I believe that it is adversity the makes us into warriors. Picture this, there are some who were born with a silver spoon in there mouth, sure we all wish we could have been born that way. I know I do, but most people the came into this world rich will never need to struggle. They have the best of everything. Homes, cars, education etc. But let them fall on hard times an they won't know how to survive. They don't know what it is to wonder where that next meal is going to come from or where they are going to lay there head at night. granted we non want to have that worrie. But the fact that no matter how far we may rise when an if the wall falls down we can handle it. Now i'm not saying it's easy. But if you can feed a family of four on a pack of ground beef an a box of maccironi, thats saying something. It says you know how to make do. You know how to make the best out of what little you have.

I have made the statement that I'm good at being broke. I mean really is that something to bragg about. HELL NAW. But I am a survivor, know matter how bad things get I can do alot with very little. So to the fact I am grateful because I can always find a way. But as I grow an become stronger, I still struggle hard, alot harder than I should. Things run thru my head at an alarming rate. I find it hard to deal sometimes. I don't know where I'm headed or which way I'm going. Thats where I need to get stronger mentally I can get so caugth up in feelings and I forget that I have a purpose. My head aint right this I know. don't get me wrong. I'm not the dude in front of the liquior store talkin to himself  with a 40oz in his hand. No I'm the guy sittin off some where alone an quite stareing at the world thru a 1000 yard glare off in deep thought.

My point is as we adapt to the adversity we face daily, but just underneath is an even greater struggle. My struggle happens to be dealing with all that I feel. Yea I know people say whats with this dude he is always talkin about feelings. Well I understand that everything I feel has meaning. I don't know the meaning an I'm trying to figure that out. I think in the long run I will be better for it. So I confront these feelings head on instead of holding them in. True I get into trouble an even lose friends from time to time. But one who hasn't went thru it won't understand, one who is disconnected from people won't care. I see this all the time. But I have found away to say exactly what I feel an there is no one to shut me down, make me feel crazy or stupid. I share what I feel an since this is America you have a choice read it or don't. That really don't matter to me. What matters is that I get it all out, if someone reads my writings an can take something positive from it that makes me happy. But judgement I don't an won't accept.

So as I sit here listening to my play list an letting the words flow I'm having a great therpy session all by my lonesome I'm good with that. it may not make sence to you, may not be a happy tail. But it damm sure aint a wooo is me tail either. I am encouraged more an more with every key stroke. The more I can get out there more  I begin to see that altho there are some who want me to think I'm crazy I'm not. I see whats in me. The words dance in front of me like a stripper with a bigg butt. By the end of the night I will feel like a million bucks. I only wish I had the mill to spend. but thats niether here nor there. I'm beginning to see I am addicted to writing, I just don't wanna stop typing all my tention, anxiety an insecurities come flowing out thru my finger tipps. Aint nothing like it. Taking all this negative energy an doing some positive with it. Not placing blame or downing anyone for anything, just freeing my mind an letting it all flow out. This is how I am learning to survive making the best of a bad situation.

I am really starting to come gripps with the fact that I am meant to be alone. When I allow outsiders into my world mainly someone I can or try to get close to I get thrown of track an my mind really starts to wonder. But when I'm alone an I start to write it's a entirely different ball game. So I may get lonely but I'm better off. I may lose friends here an there but there is one who will never leave me. So hot doggs an pork n beans, an something to write with is all I need. I have a purpose this I know for sure. Issues, problems, raceing thoughts what ever it don't matter. Because right now I am pure, clean, untainted. I am a giant in my own world. So if in the end I am Howard Hughs, ok I accecpt that. It's been real it was fun while it lasted but the friends I lose will more than likely be better off without me an I without them. Less stress is my goal rather I'm stressin somebody or somebody is stressin me. Live life be happy an make the most of what you have.. I AM MR 1DEEP SOLO THE ETURNAL LONER God made me that way for a reason. thats why I have a hard time dealing with people I'm not suppose to. That saying there is someone for everyone that maybe true for you but I am on a different path I can see that clearly now. All the signs point to something higher I will find my way..  4EVER TONE

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Gotta get'em off me

It's gonna sound crazy, but I have a creature sitting on my shoulders. He's like a tormenter, pulling my strings when ever he feels like it. It's like he has a hand in the back of my skull controlling my every thought, mood and emotion. When ever something goes wrong in my daily life is when he goes to work on me. Right now he is pushing me to the point where I can't take it anymore. This thing is my very own personal version of Tyler Derden. He just won't let me be. I try as hard as I can to keep comtrol. But he is stronger than I am.

Before I am wrote of as insane let me be clear. I am not delusional. This creature I am speaking of is everything in me that gets me down to my lowest point. It's the feelings I feel when it seems like my world is crashing crashing down. It's not that I see some crazy looking animal sitting on my neck when I look in the mirror. In order for me to make sence of whats in my head I put a name and a face to it. It is another side of me. A side that I am not happy with. These past few days have been really hard for me when it comes to staying in a good frame of mind. It's like I'm holding on to my sanity by a thin thread.

It is a hard pill to swallow when things go wrong thru no fault of my own. It feels like there is someone somewhere make bad things happen for the shear pleasure of wacthing me crumble. There are things going on with me right now that are making to scream to the top of my lungs WHY, for what prepose did this have to happen. If I do something make a mistake I can accept that. But when things happen out of the blue an I can't explain it. I gotta wonder why this shit drives me crazy to know end.  I can be the smallest thing, I have a need to always be in control of me. So when I'm going along with my day and things are going the way they should I feel like I'm in control, handleing things the way they should be. I'm no fool I am fully aware that things happen in life that can an will throw you off your game. but some of the things that happen to me that are seemingly small can have very large consequence. They can cause major set backs that I can't afford to have happen. With my situation being what it is what happens to me doesn't just eefect me it also effects those I am responsible for. They are to important to have anything get in the way of that. So if I do something to offset that it's not good but I can understand that, but when it's something thats not of my doing I feel it called for. An I get a feeling like the planets are lined up against me.

There are so many things I see in myself that I need to fix. Maybe the most important things is, when things go wrong even if it not of my own doing I need to stay claim an deal with it better. My main goal is to just get better as a man, father and human being. I need a guide book for dummies I guess, but there are just somethings that make me crazy. So this creature sittin on my back gonna have to get on. Cause I need my sanity I got to much work to do an no time for bullshit. TONE

Saturday, May 21, 2011

It's only a moment

Every now and then I get a feeling that my world is about to fall apart. It has actually happened in the past, but not because things went wrong. It was because I allowed myself to give in to that feeling. How? By making dicisons based on negative emotions.  Shit had me way out of order for a very long time. Finding tools and positive ways to deal with what I feel is the best way I know how to handle my brain. Thing is i can be fine then suddenly out of know where the feeling hits me, my mind starts raceing and I feel like crueling up into a ball to protect myself. Many people may have there own opinon about people who deal with depression. But depressed or not I'm still me. So to those who may have something negative an off the wall to say. I say unless you been thru it you don't know what the fuck your talking about so shut the fuck up and mind yours. My situation is not the worst there are people who go thru way more than I do. This I have seen first hand. Don't be so quick to judge.

As for me I'm having a moment right now thats why I writing. It helps be get some of this stress of my back. I always tripp on how quick I fall. Earlier today I was fine. Of course things were not all good but still my mood was great. But then I stopped driving an went into chill mode. Thats when it hit me. I just got this feeling like the bottom was about to fall out. But the good thing about me today is I know full well this will past. As long as I don't panic an do some dumb shit I will be ok. Mind you I'm def on dumb shit cause it was a feeling like what I have today that got me into the situation I'm in now.

It's been nearly 7 years since this all started an I'm still trying to digg myself out. So to keep grounded I look at it as a passing wave. If I ride the wave out the waters will calm an become still again. In the meantime I make post on twitter an facebook and now that I have this blog this is becoming an outlet as well. So if you every wonder where some of the crazy shit I say comes from this is the answer. I'm just trying to maintain my cool an stay sane.

I have been asked why don't I take meds. Well I tried that before an I hate the way they make me feel. Beside that I factioning just fine. I came to the realization a long time ago that even it gets hard for me to tell if what I'm feeling is real or not it's all in my head. Ok let me see if I can make this clear. You ever been hurt by someone you care about, I mean really hurt, broken hearted if you will. Well thats kind of the feeling I get accept know one has hurt me lately. But the feeling is always so real an so fresh it makes it hard to tell that is just in my head an its really not that serious. So I just let it go because I know that feeling will pass. It always comes back and since I deal with this all the time it makes it easier to handle.

I am so aware of the damage I can cause if I let it take me down to far. So I always keep in mind the time when I let this demon take over. Never again will I allow that to happen. I write about this alot because it was such a profound period in my life. I can never forget it or take it for granted, it cause to much harm. It's a constant fight everyday. Some days are better than others and somedays are great, but there are the days when it seems that my pain is what makes me feel like I'm alive. Thats not a good thing. Pain can be like a drug so addictive. Mind you I'm speaking of mental pain only. It can get to a point where you come to depend on it. And like a drug it will destroy you. So when I say crazy shit here and there I'm just trying to fight it off.

I gotta admitt when I started typing, I didn't think all of this was gonna come out. Thats how it happen just start typing an what comes out comes out. I remember what I learned about coping skills. writing really helps. Most people most like would not allow anyone to read what they write. I don't mind allowing anyone to read what I have to say because I'm obsessed with expression, also I feel like it's my way of giving back. you never know what people are going thru. Who knows maybe something I say my give someone whos having a hard time ideas about how to deal with what they are going thru, an maybe it may just save a life. So if a life can be saved or an ordeal be made easier how can I not share what I feel. Atleast thats how I see it. At one point or other someone shared something with me that made me take notice an stand up I'm just trying to pay it forward. Besides that I'm done typing and I feel a bit better. I think it's worth it. We all deal with what we deal with in our own way, this is mine.. TONE

Friday, May 20, 2011

We were born into this..

Have you watched the news lately or read the newspaper or maybe read the news feeds from yahoo or google. This world seems to have lost it's ever loveing mind. I always wwonder what makes people do some of the evil shit they do. hHave we lost our sence of what it is to be human. I'm nobodys judge nor am I perfect but I do know right from wrong. There are elements of our culture that veiw what we may concider  unacceptable behavior to be the right way to live. Killing, stealing, lying cheating. These are some of what is done daily in an effort to survive.

They say money is the root of all evil. If you pay close attention to the why behide the act you will find money to be th motivation behide many unspeakable acts. Now i'm from the hood which one really don't matter. Point is we can step outside of our homes an see the evil being done in the name of belly feeding and bill paying at any given time. I see it and I know you do as well.  But heres the trick bag. Thats small scale compared to whats really going on. Wars are being fought over oil thats why gas prices are so high. What about the lives that are being damage an  destroy so you can go by your woman that diamond engagement ring. Did you know that blood diamonds are for real. In some countries whole populations are being wiped out so the rich can keep getting rich. I don't claim to know everything about whats going on when it comes to these types of things. But I do understand that it is happening.

We were born into this world we did'nt ask for it. We spend our lives trying to make it as best we can. It's really a sad situation to be forced to do bad things just to eat. Look jobs are hard to come by these days. The saying goes if you don't work you don't eat. Well when you put people in the  position were they have to decide between a empty belly and hungry children an crime, what do you think they are gonna chose. They are going to do what ever it takes to survive an provide for there family. Thats just basic instinct. Even an animal will chew on it own leg before it straves. So you gotta know that people are not going to just roll over an die.

History has shown us time and time again that there are those in this world that want to see us die. From the days of the civil rights struggle up until today these an even farther back than that, these so called people have done any and everthing they can think of to keep a foot on our necks. They have done everything from enslaveing us to dening us our freedom and human rights to flooding our communites with drugs and guns. we have been murder by the thousands, beaten and treated less than doggs. Yet we continue to do there work for them. lets not blame what we do all on money. We do things to each other that has nothing to do with money. There is no excuse for the harm we cause ourselves.

I know we are so much more than we are showing at this point. But we continue to fall into the traps they set for us. you can't get a job so what should you do. I don't know but whats being done is we sell poison to our own brothers and sister mothers and father. And since my struggle is more important than yours and my life means more to me than yours im going to soo up my community and kill and destroy anybody whos from some place else. Now let us have ourselves a good old fasion drug war/gang war. An thats just what they want to do. I'm not from this community I'm on the outside looking in, but I want to use it as an example because it has gained the must headlines over the years.

Over the past 20 or 30 years South Central LA has been making the news due to the war between the Bloods and Crips. Thousands of young black lives has been lost to this war. Here is what I see. In that area there are three strong groups Bloods and Crips and Mexicans. while the B's and C's were killing each other the Mexicans have been sitting back watching. Now the Mexicans are trying to run the blacks out of  LA. As I said before I'm not from that area so if your from that area and you think I'm wrong please comment an give your opinon. You see they were gaining strength while we were destroying our numbers. A weak enemy is a easy enemy. I have heard reports that South Central LA is over 90% mexican now. please tell me how that happen. Ok here is something I do know about. South side of Chicago and the East side of  Detroit. Same problems we killing our selves an for what.

Black people please stand up and realize that these same armies you use to kill each other with would be more useful in helping eace other live. Maybe it's to late for that, maybe the tentions run to deep. All I know is that there is a better way I just hope we realize it before it's to late. STOP KILLING PEOPLE.. We as a people are better than that check your history..

Monday, May 16, 2011

still hopeful

You can't digg with a dull shavel , yet thats what I do everyday. Point I have dugg a hole so deep for myself that it could take years if not ever to get out. Being discouraged about this would be a normal reaction. You work hard everyday an do things the best way you know how, yet in the in you struggle much harder than you should. But when the problems you face are your own fault, the only thing to do is to suck it up an press on. I can't blame anybody but me for my situation nor do I try to, I just keep it moveing.

Mistakes are a part of life we can't avoid, seeing as we none are prefect. but the thing about that is, some mistakes can an will destroy a life. basicly thats what I have done to myself. I lost sight of the fact that I have more than me to concider. Even tho I always knew this I gave in to that which was trying to bring me down. O boy did I ever screw that up. I always need to keep that in mind because I'm hopeful that I will never allow myself to fall so far ever again.

At this point I'm just trying to push forward. I think i'm in way to deep to think I have a chance to totally recover, but I can and will work as hard as I can then work some more to make sure that the one's who depend on me are well taken care of. I stuck out here on the road doing what I need to do to make sure that happens. I know that soon I'm going to have to answer some really hard questions about what I did. these will be the same questions that I have never had answered. But if I am going to be truly able to show growth, then I will face these questions head on. I think the best I can hope for is to be able to use my mistakes as a teaching tool. I'm hopeful that the things I have done can be an example to my kids as to what not to do and how not to be.

There is no pride that I can take for spending so much time feeling sorry for myself an hateing life. But at the same time I am stronger much stronger than I ever have been before. So to anybody that wonders, know this I picked myself up out of the gutter all on my own. I'm still standing an will continue to stand as tall as a mountain because there is to much to lose if I don't. I still struggle everday but the difference is I don't stay there I don't dweal on my mysery. I do the best I can with the little that I have an I am ok with that.

You must pay a heavy price for wrong doings, an my mistakes cost a hole hell of alot. The most important of which is time. Time that I would much rather spend with my two kids but in the long run it will all workout for the best. I think that een tho there are lots of guys who would never allow themselves to be put in my situation, there are still more who would do nothing to make right there wrongs. I'm just trying to do whats rightas best I can. I stacked my own deck with all the wrong cards an since there are no do overs I must an will play my hand. despite the bigg hole I put in my foot when I shot my self in it I am always hopeful that I will find the redemption I am seeking.

Fatherhood is the most important thing to me. them two beautiful children God blessed me with deserve nothing less than my last drop of blood an so they shall have it. It really don't matter what happens to me all that matters is  that I spend everyday doing all I can to take care of them. If me being out here on these roads for the rest of  days is what it will take to make sure that happens then so be it. I struggle hard, I struggle daily but I do so with honor. I am TONE an I will never Tripp Over Nothing Else.... TONE

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Why I never get to close

I am not your aveage guy never have been. I had to admitt to myself a long time ago, that I am different from most men.  everything with me starts with childhood. For the longest time I never knew the effect my childhood had on me as an adult. It all hit me about ten years ago all at once. Turned out that my head was all messed up an I did'nt even know it. There I was liveing my life thinking everything was cool. I had a great job a beautiful baby girl and a woman that loved me as much as I loved her. But things were never right between us. For starters I am a loner in the truest since of the word. There are very few people that I call friend, always been that way. So me being use to always being alone kinda thru a wrence in my attempt to have a meaningful relationship. I had someone who wanted my time. there had been others before but they pretty much came handle business then went on there own way. Now I had someone who wanted to stay. I did'nt realize it at the time but I had no clue on how to have a real relationship. I mean really how could I, I had never had a real relationship with anyone before. needless to say it ended up being really bad an it took a real toll on me. I understand I am extremly sensitive. Well let me make that clear.

I am sensitive but only with women I allow to get close to me. In order for it to be seen I need to really care for her. Everybody else would never know it. Anyway outside of the only real relationship I had ever had there were others. And they were my teachers. They taught me that everybody is not worthy. liars, cheats, users and drama queens. They all showed me that I can't allow anybody to get to close ever. When ever I try they remind me that no one is to be trusted.

I feel pain in a way that I can only discrib as torment. Most people won't admit to there pain, but I have to other wise it will put me in a place that I my not recover from. true I do get lonely but I can't allow any one to bring me down ever again. I learned that people lie for what ever reason it don't really matter. But I know they lie about everything from being single to the level of interest they have in you. But if you sit back an pay attention lie will always tell on you.

Just listen to them tell you that they really care about you, but they never want to talk to you or when you spend time them it's seems like thats the last thing they want to do like it's a huge inconvinence. I have found myself wondering why, why do they even talk to me, why do they bother with me at all. The most confuseing part is the beginning. ever conversation seems like its the greatest you ever had. You find youself looking forward to talking to this person or spending time. Every thing looks promiseing. But some where along the way the bottom falls out.

The lies start or they don't seem to have time for you anymore. But instead of saying the interest isn't there they keep you at arms length, but when you start to pull away from them they pull you back just enough. I never understood that I have seen people who truly could careless act like you are crushing there world when you tell them you have had enough an want to move on. Why people do this I wish I had an answer for but I don't. The thing of it is thats not the worst of what I have seen.  Thats just the most resent. I only have one answer in dealing with this. The one thing I have always been good at is making the last time they see or talk to me the last time they see or talk to me ever. I can do this without a fight or argument or even a bad thought I just walk away an never look back. Never will I allow anyone to bring me to tyhe point where i'm hurting so bad the I could careless about life ever again. When I care I care foreal but it's like a light switch I can turn it off at any time without a second thought.

So to keep me from letting the wrong people in I never get to close usually but like anybody I make mistakes an read the wrong person the wrong way. But I have bigg feet real good for walking away.... TONE 

Saturday, April 30, 2011

her fartin ass..

So the sun is makeing an appearence today cool looks like it could turn out to be a nice pretty day today. inhale, something faint. inhale again abit stronger inhale one more time deeply, intoxicateing. the scent of a woman. the sweetness in the morning air an her fartin ass. but still the scent is intoxicateing fore she is soft an warm relaxed and comfortable. this allows the beauty within her to follow thru. farting is just a side effect:)  you see she is human a imperfect being created in his image. there is nothing more beautiful nothing more i mean really nothing more there is woman an then everybody else. so i consider it a blessing to be graced with the persence of god must beauty gift to this world. woman with her fartin ass. lmao..

Monday, April 25, 2011


Welcome, My name is Antonio Demetrius Wiseman. AKA TONE AKA MR1DEEPSOLO. Welcome to my blog. It's not about any subject in particular just what ever I'm feeling good or bad. A journal if you will. On the outside I am still the same quite dude I always have been but on the inside I am boiling over with all kinds of thoughts and emotions. There was a time when I held everything inside now I can't hold anything back. I can't say for sure why that is. All I know is I'm recovering from a very bad bout with depression an that has changed me. It has been a few years since I was at my lowest. Although I still fight with it everyday I am nowhere near where I was in 2006. So please walk with me you never know what I might say. I may offer you some insight or make you say wtf is wrong with this dude or I may just make you laugh, you never know. But if your reading this I want to say thank you for allowing me to take up some of your time. TONE