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Tuesday, August 2, 2011

It's only a wish

They say, you never know what you have till it's gone. They say, you can't miss what you never had. They say you find what your looking for when you are not looking. Well I don't know how true that is or not. All I know is I have a vision of what I would like. I have a vision of something that may not exist. I listen to the music an hear them sing about love. I watch the movies an see them telling a beautiful story. But when I open my eyes an see reality, it aint nothing like that.

My vision maybe lost in a dream. A dream where everything is wonderful. Where the sunshines eternally on my life. Where I can have someone who wants to stand next to me as my equal an walk this journey with me. A dream where that one will want to up lift my instead of bringing me down. A dream where that one will be meant for me an only me. A dream where disputes are settled with adult conversation an not arguements an harsh words and regrets. I ain't Martin Luther King but I do have a dream.

I have a dream where I will find someone who is quick to listen rather than quick to blow a fuse an jusp to curseing. This dream has me with someone who is willing to do what ever it takes to make me happy. But my dream is not a selfish dream because the woman in this dream has a man who is willing to committ to her happiness. This woman in my dream has a man who only puts the one who depend on him the most. This woman in my dream has a man who spend everyday not only provideing for her but makes fall in love with him daily. She has a man who will go to the ends of  the earth to meet her needs.  She has a man who will do small things just to make her smile. this man does personal favors with limited expectations of a return favor just to ease her stress. The man I am in my dream sees no problem with a gift of flowers or a card that says THANK YOU for all you do, for no other reason than it's Tuesday.

100% effort breeds 100% effort does it not. Now a days I don't thinks so. Recent situations have lead me to believe that I shouldn't expect much. Snow in August is about the best I can hope for, meaning if you ask a simple question you may get everything but the truth. I have seen where it is eazier to explode rather than deal with the issues.  I have seen where words are the main focus no action needed an if the actions don't match the words denie, denie, denie, then blow up to avoid speaking on true feelings. I am still hopeful of having my dream come true. I read somehere "Never chase Love, affection or attention. If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having."

That statement woke something up inside of me. I was guilty of doing just that. I had to think hard an search for a reason why. An what I came up with is, since I have been alone for so long an it had been so long since I felt anything for anybody. I latched on to someone I thought I had a connection with, without takeing time to see how this person would react towards me. An because of this I found myself on a oneway street going the wrong way. So I had to ease up an back off, I lowered my hopes an expectations, as a matter of fact a better word would be cancled.

But I offten find myself wondering. Why do I concern myself with love when I have so many issues to deal with. The truth is bringing someelse into my world is not the best thing for me right now. This I know for sure yet it doesn't stop the longing. I don't trust people no farther than I can throw them yet that don't stop the longing. Mentally my head is still all screwed up I am paranoid to a fault, yet it don't stop the longing.

My past is filled with mistakes and failures, I can only hope to use them to create a better future be it alone or with the worthy one. So although I still dream my focus has changed no has been reaffirmed. I have stayed focused thru being sidetracked. Losing my focus caused major problems for me so no matter where my attention strayed to my focus has never changed. But I have a new understanding of patience. Sometimes we have to go thru storms to get to where we are headed. So I know it's not about me, what happens to me an where I end up is not the important issue. The issue is that I stay focused on whats important. Simple math.. TONE

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