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Sunday, May 15, 2011

Why I never get to close

I am not your aveage guy never have been. I had to admitt to myself a long time ago, that I am different from most men.  everything with me starts with childhood. For the longest time I never knew the effect my childhood had on me as an adult. It all hit me about ten years ago all at once. Turned out that my head was all messed up an I did'nt even know it. There I was liveing my life thinking everything was cool. I had a great job a beautiful baby girl and a woman that loved me as much as I loved her. But things were never right between us. For starters I am a loner in the truest since of the word. There are very few people that I call friend, always been that way. So me being use to always being alone kinda thru a wrence in my attempt to have a meaningful relationship. I had someone who wanted my time. there had been others before but they pretty much came handle business then went on there own way. Now I had someone who wanted to stay. I did'nt realize it at the time but I had no clue on how to have a real relationship. I mean really how could I, I had never had a real relationship with anyone before. needless to say it ended up being really bad an it took a real toll on me. I understand I am extremly sensitive. Well let me make that clear.

I am sensitive but only with women I allow to get close to me. In order for it to be seen I need to really care for her. Everybody else would never know it. Anyway outside of the only real relationship I had ever had there were others. And they were my teachers. They taught me that everybody is not worthy. liars, cheats, users and drama queens. They all showed me that I can't allow anybody to get to close ever. When ever I try they remind me that no one is to be trusted.

I feel pain in a way that I can only discrib as torment. Most people won't admit to there pain, but I have to other wise it will put me in a place that I my not recover from. true I do get lonely but I can't allow any one to bring me down ever again. I learned that people lie for what ever reason it don't really matter. But I know they lie about everything from being single to the level of interest they have in you. But if you sit back an pay attention lie will always tell on you.

Just listen to them tell you that they really care about you, but they never want to talk to you or when you spend time them it's seems like thats the last thing they want to do like it's a huge inconvinence. I have found myself wondering why, why do they even talk to me, why do they bother with me at all. The most confuseing part is the beginning. ever conversation seems like its the greatest you ever had. You find youself looking forward to talking to this person or spending time. Every thing looks promiseing. But some where along the way the bottom falls out.

The lies start or they don't seem to have time for you anymore. But instead of saying the interest isn't there they keep you at arms length, but when you start to pull away from them they pull you back just enough. I never understood that I have seen people who truly could careless act like you are crushing there world when you tell them you have had enough an want to move on. Why people do this I wish I had an answer for but I don't. The thing of it is thats not the worst of what I have seen.  Thats just the most resent. I only have one answer in dealing with this. The one thing I have always been good at is making the last time they see or talk to me the last time they see or talk to me ever. I can do this without a fight or argument or even a bad thought I just walk away an never look back. Never will I allow anyone to bring me to tyhe point where i'm hurting so bad the I could careless about life ever again. When I care I care foreal but it's like a light switch I can turn it off at any time without a second thought.

So to keep me from letting the wrong people in I never get to close usually but like anybody I make mistakes an read the wrong person the wrong way. But I have bigg feet real good for walking away.... TONE 

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