Beauty, the persence of something extremly pleasant to the eye. ugliness that which is distrubing and/or unpleasant. fulfillment, desire, rage, confussion, understanding, knowledge ignorance, generousity, selfishness. Mistakes, accomplishment, happiness, anger, fatigue, energy, the ablity to continue when you just want to give up. Mental strength, weakness, that which is hard at first sight but once you get set off into it turns out not to be so bad. You see life has many highs and lows peaks and valleys, yet from birth we set out on a journey to become strong, knowledgeable, powerful. We win, we lose but we fight on no matter what. The object is to become the best we can be as human beings.
Along the way we tend to stumble, fall, shead blood, but we always get up and press on. This is one of the many things that make us strong. I believe that it is adversity the makes us into warriors. Picture this, there are some who were born with a silver spoon in there mouth, sure we all wish we could have been born that way. I know I do, but most people the came into this world rich will never need to struggle. They have the best of everything. Homes, cars, education etc. But let them fall on hard times an they won't know how to survive. They don't know what it is to wonder where that next meal is going to come from or where they are going to lay there head at night. granted we non want to have that worrie. But the fact that no matter how far we may rise when an if the wall falls down we can handle it. Now i'm not saying it's easy. But if you can feed a family of four on a pack of ground beef an a box of maccironi, thats saying something. It says you know how to make do. You know how to make the best out of what little you have.
I have made the statement that I'm good at being broke. I mean really is that something to bragg about. HELL NAW. But I am a survivor, know matter how bad things get I can do alot with very little. So to the fact I am grateful because I can always find a way. But as I grow an become stronger, I still struggle hard, alot harder than I should. Things run thru my head at an alarming rate. I find it hard to deal sometimes. I don't know where I'm headed or which way I'm going. Thats where I need to get stronger mentally I can get so caugth up in feelings and I forget that I have a purpose. My head aint right this I know. don't get me wrong. I'm not the dude in front of the liquior store talkin to himself with a 40oz in his hand. No I'm the guy sittin off some where alone an quite stareing at the world thru a 1000 yard glare off in deep thought.
My point is as we adapt to the adversity we face daily, but just underneath is an even greater struggle. My struggle happens to be dealing with all that I feel. Yea I know people say whats with this dude he is always talkin about feelings. Well I understand that everything I feel has meaning. I don't know the meaning an I'm trying to figure that out. I think in the long run I will be better for it. So I confront these feelings head on instead of holding them in. True I get into trouble an even lose friends from time to time. But one who hasn't went thru it won't understand, one who is disconnected from people won't care. I see this all the time. But I have found away to say exactly what I feel an there is no one to shut me down, make me feel crazy or stupid. I share what I feel an since this is America you have a choice read it or don't. That really don't matter to me. What matters is that I get it all out, if someone reads my writings an can take something positive from it that makes me happy. But judgement I don't an won't accept.
So as I sit here listening to my play list an letting the words flow I'm having a great therpy session all by my lonesome I'm good with that. it may not make sence to you, may not be a happy tail. But it damm sure aint a wooo is me tail either. I am encouraged more an more with every key stroke. The more I can get out there more I begin to see that altho there are some who want me to think I'm crazy I'm not. I see whats in me. The words dance in front of me like a stripper with a bigg butt. By the end of the night I will feel like a million bucks. I only wish I had the mill to spend. but thats niether here nor there. I'm beginning to see I am addicted to writing, I just don't wanna stop typing all my tention, anxiety an insecurities come flowing out thru my finger tipps. Aint nothing like it. Taking all this negative energy an doing some positive with it. Not placing blame or downing anyone for anything, just freeing my mind an letting it all flow out. This is how I am learning to survive making the best of a bad situation.
I am really starting to come gripps with the fact that I am meant to be alone. When I allow outsiders into my world mainly someone I can or try to get close to I get thrown of track an my mind really starts to wonder. But when I'm alone an I start to write it's a entirely different ball game. So I may get lonely but I'm better off. I may lose friends here an there but there is one who will never leave me. So hot doggs an pork n beans, an something to write with is all I need. I have a purpose this I know for sure. Issues, problems, raceing thoughts what ever it don't matter. Because right now I am pure, clean, untainted. I am a giant in my own world. So if in the end I am Howard Hughs, ok I accecpt that. It's been real it was fun while it lasted but the friends I lose will more than likely be better off without me an I without them. Less stress is my goal rather I'm stressin somebody or somebody is stressin me. Live life be happy an make the most of what you have.. I AM MR 1DEEP SOLO THE ETURNAL LONER God made me that way for a reason. thats why I have a hard time dealing with people I'm not suppose to. That saying there is someone for everyone that maybe true for you but I am on a different path I can see that clearly now. All the signs point to something higher I will find my way.. 4EVER TONE