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Monday, May 16, 2011

still hopeful

You can't digg with a dull shavel , yet thats what I do everyday. Point I have dugg a hole so deep for myself that it could take years if not ever to get out. Being discouraged about this would be a normal reaction. You work hard everyday an do things the best way you know how, yet in the in you struggle much harder than you should. But when the problems you face are your own fault, the only thing to do is to suck it up an press on. I can't blame anybody but me for my situation nor do I try to, I just keep it moveing.

Mistakes are a part of life we can't avoid, seeing as we none are prefect. but the thing about that is, some mistakes can an will destroy a life. basicly thats what I have done to myself. I lost sight of the fact that I have more than me to concider. Even tho I always knew this I gave in to that which was trying to bring me down. O boy did I ever screw that up. I always need to keep that in mind because I'm hopeful that I will never allow myself to fall so far ever again.

At this point I'm just trying to push forward. I think i'm in way to deep to think I have a chance to totally recover, but I can and will work as hard as I can then work some more to make sure that the one's who depend on me are well taken care of. I stuck out here on the road doing what I need to do to make sure that happens. I know that soon I'm going to have to answer some really hard questions about what I did. these will be the same questions that I have never had answered. But if I am going to be truly able to show growth, then I will face these questions head on. I think the best I can hope for is to be able to use my mistakes as a teaching tool. I'm hopeful that the things I have done can be an example to my kids as to what not to do and how not to be.

There is no pride that I can take for spending so much time feeling sorry for myself an hateing life. But at the same time I am stronger much stronger than I ever have been before. So to anybody that wonders, know this I picked myself up out of the gutter all on my own. I'm still standing an will continue to stand as tall as a mountain because there is to much to lose if I don't. I still struggle everday but the difference is I don't stay there I don't dweal on my mysery. I do the best I can with the little that I have an I am ok with that.

You must pay a heavy price for wrong doings, an my mistakes cost a hole hell of alot. The most important of which is time. Time that I would much rather spend with my two kids but in the long run it will all workout for the best. I think that een tho there are lots of guys who would never allow themselves to be put in my situation, there are still more who would do nothing to make right there wrongs. I'm just trying to do whats rightas best I can. I stacked my own deck with all the wrong cards an since there are no do overs I must an will play my hand. despite the bigg hole I put in my foot when I shot my self in it I am always hopeful that I will find the redemption I am seeking.

Fatherhood is the most important thing to me. them two beautiful children God blessed me with deserve nothing less than my last drop of blood an so they shall have it. It really don't matter what happens to me all that matters is  that I spend everyday doing all I can to take care of them. If me being out here on these roads for the rest of  days is what it will take to make sure that happens then so be it. I struggle hard, I struggle daily but I do so with honor. I am TONE an I will never Tripp Over Nothing Else.... TONE

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