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Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Gotta get'em off me

It's gonna sound crazy, but I have a creature sitting on my shoulders. He's like a tormenter, pulling my strings when ever he feels like it. It's like he has a hand in the back of my skull controlling my every thought, mood and emotion. When ever something goes wrong in my daily life is when he goes to work on me. Right now he is pushing me to the point where I can't take it anymore. This thing is my very own personal version of Tyler Derden. He just won't let me be. I try as hard as I can to keep comtrol. But he is stronger than I am.

Before I am wrote of as insane let me be clear. I am not delusional. This creature I am speaking of is everything in me that gets me down to my lowest point. It's the feelings I feel when it seems like my world is crashing crashing down. It's not that I see some crazy looking animal sitting on my neck when I look in the mirror. In order for me to make sence of whats in my head I put a name and a face to it. It is another side of me. A side that I am not happy with. These past few days have been really hard for me when it comes to staying in a good frame of mind. It's like I'm holding on to my sanity by a thin thread.

It is a hard pill to swallow when things go wrong thru no fault of my own. It feels like there is someone somewhere make bad things happen for the shear pleasure of wacthing me crumble. There are things going on with me right now that are making to scream to the top of my lungs WHY, for what prepose did this have to happen. If I do something make a mistake I can accept that. But when things happen out of the blue an I can't explain it. I gotta wonder why this shit drives me crazy to know end.  I can be the smallest thing, I have a need to always be in control of me. So when I'm going along with my day and things are going the way they should I feel like I'm in control, handleing things the way they should be. I'm no fool I am fully aware that things happen in life that can an will throw you off your game. but some of the things that happen to me that are seemingly small can have very large consequence. They can cause major set backs that I can't afford to have happen. With my situation being what it is what happens to me doesn't just eefect me it also effects those I am responsible for. They are to important to have anything get in the way of that. So if I do something to offset that it's not good but I can understand that, but when it's something thats not of my doing I feel it called for. An I get a feeling like the planets are lined up against me.

There are so many things I see in myself that I need to fix. Maybe the most important things is, when things go wrong even if it not of my own doing I need to stay claim an deal with it better. My main goal is to just get better as a man, father and human being. I need a guide book for dummies I guess, but there are just somethings that make me crazy. So this creature sittin on my back gonna have to get on. Cause I need my sanity I got to much work to do an no time for bullshit. TONE

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