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Saturday, May 21, 2011

It's only a moment

Every now and then I get a feeling that my world is about to fall apart. It has actually happened in the past, but not because things went wrong. It was because I allowed myself to give in to that feeling. How? By making dicisons based on negative emotions.  Shit had me way out of order for a very long time. Finding tools and positive ways to deal with what I feel is the best way I know how to handle my brain. Thing is i can be fine then suddenly out of know where the feeling hits me, my mind starts raceing and I feel like crueling up into a ball to protect myself. Many people may have there own opinon about people who deal with depression. But depressed or not I'm still me. So to those who may have something negative an off the wall to say. I say unless you been thru it you don't know what the fuck your talking about so shut the fuck up and mind yours. My situation is not the worst there are people who go thru way more than I do. This I have seen first hand. Don't be so quick to judge.

As for me I'm having a moment right now thats why I writing. It helps be get some of this stress of my back. I always tripp on how quick I fall. Earlier today I was fine. Of course things were not all good but still my mood was great. But then I stopped driving an went into chill mode. Thats when it hit me. I just got this feeling like the bottom was about to fall out. But the good thing about me today is I know full well this will past. As long as I don't panic an do some dumb shit I will be ok. Mind you I'm def on dumb shit cause it was a feeling like what I have today that got me into the situation I'm in now.

It's been nearly 7 years since this all started an I'm still trying to digg myself out. So to keep grounded I look at it as a passing wave. If I ride the wave out the waters will calm an become still again. In the meantime I make post on twitter an facebook and now that I have this blog this is becoming an outlet as well. So if you every wonder where some of the crazy shit I say comes from this is the answer. I'm just trying to maintain my cool an stay sane.

I have been asked why don't I take meds. Well I tried that before an I hate the way they make me feel. Beside that I factioning just fine. I came to the realization a long time ago that even it gets hard for me to tell if what I'm feeling is real or not it's all in my head. Ok let me see if I can make this clear. You ever been hurt by someone you care about, I mean really hurt, broken hearted if you will. Well thats kind of the feeling I get accept know one has hurt me lately. But the feeling is always so real an so fresh it makes it hard to tell that is just in my head an its really not that serious. So I just let it go because I know that feeling will pass. It always comes back and since I deal with this all the time it makes it easier to handle.

I am so aware of the damage I can cause if I let it take me down to far. So I always keep in mind the time when I let this demon take over. Never again will I allow that to happen. I write about this alot because it was such a profound period in my life. I can never forget it or take it for granted, it cause to much harm. It's a constant fight everyday. Some days are better than others and somedays are great, but there are the days when it seems that my pain is what makes me feel like I'm alive. Thats not a good thing. Pain can be like a drug so addictive. Mind you I'm speaking of mental pain only. It can get to a point where you come to depend on it. And like a drug it will destroy you. So when I say crazy shit here and there I'm just trying to fight it off.

I gotta admitt when I started typing, I didn't think all of this was gonna come out. Thats how it happen just start typing an what comes out comes out. I remember what I learned about coping skills. writing really helps. Most people most like would not allow anyone to read what they write. I don't mind allowing anyone to read what I have to say because I'm obsessed with expression, also I feel like it's my way of giving back. you never know what people are going thru. Who knows maybe something I say my give someone whos having a hard time ideas about how to deal with what they are going thru, an maybe it may just save a life. So if a life can be saved or an ordeal be made easier how can I not share what I feel. Atleast thats how I see it. At one point or other someone shared something with me that made me take notice an stand up I'm just trying to pay it forward. Besides that I'm done typing and I feel a bit better. I think it's worth it. We all deal with what we deal with in our own way, this is mine.. TONE

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