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Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Gotta get'em off me

It's gonna sound crazy, but I have a creature sitting on my shoulders. He's like a tormenter, pulling my strings when ever he feels like it. It's like he has a hand in the back of my skull controlling my every thought, mood and emotion. When ever something goes wrong in my daily life is when he goes to work on me. Right now he is pushing me to the point where I can't take it anymore. This thing is my very own personal version of Tyler Derden. He just won't let me be. I try as hard as I can to keep comtrol. But he is stronger than I am.

Before I am wrote of as insane let me be clear. I am not delusional. This creature I am speaking of is everything in me that gets me down to my lowest point. It's the feelings I feel when it seems like my world is crashing crashing down. It's not that I see some crazy looking animal sitting on my neck when I look in the mirror. In order for me to make sence of whats in my head I put a name and a face to it. It is another side of me. A side that I am not happy with. These past few days have been really hard for me when it comes to staying in a good frame of mind. It's like I'm holding on to my sanity by a thin thread.

It is a hard pill to swallow when things go wrong thru no fault of my own. It feels like there is someone somewhere make bad things happen for the shear pleasure of wacthing me crumble. There are things going on with me right now that are making to scream to the top of my lungs WHY, for what prepose did this have to happen. If I do something make a mistake I can accept that. But when things happen out of the blue an I can't explain it. I gotta wonder why this shit drives me crazy to know end.  I can be the smallest thing, I have a need to always be in control of me. So when I'm going along with my day and things are going the way they should I feel like I'm in control, handleing things the way they should be. I'm no fool I am fully aware that things happen in life that can an will throw you off your game. but some of the things that happen to me that are seemingly small can have very large consequence. They can cause major set backs that I can't afford to have happen. With my situation being what it is what happens to me doesn't just eefect me it also effects those I am responsible for. They are to important to have anything get in the way of that. So if I do something to offset that it's not good but I can understand that, but when it's something thats not of my doing I feel it called for. An I get a feeling like the planets are lined up against me.

There are so many things I see in myself that I need to fix. Maybe the most important things is, when things go wrong even if it not of my own doing I need to stay claim an deal with it better. My main goal is to just get better as a man, father and human being. I need a guide book for dummies I guess, but there are just somethings that make me crazy. So this creature sittin on my back gonna have to get on. Cause I need my sanity I got to much work to do an no time for bullshit. TONE

Saturday, May 21, 2011

It's only a moment

Every now and then I get a feeling that my world is about to fall apart. It has actually happened in the past, but not because things went wrong. It was because I allowed myself to give in to that feeling. How? By making dicisons based on negative emotions.  Shit had me way out of order for a very long time. Finding tools and positive ways to deal with what I feel is the best way I know how to handle my brain. Thing is i can be fine then suddenly out of know where the feeling hits me, my mind starts raceing and I feel like crueling up into a ball to protect myself. Many people may have there own opinon about people who deal with depression. But depressed or not I'm still me. So to those who may have something negative an off the wall to say. I say unless you been thru it you don't know what the fuck your talking about so shut the fuck up and mind yours. My situation is not the worst there are people who go thru way more than I do. This I have seen first hand. Don't be so quick to judge.

As for me I'm having a moment right now thats why I writing. It helps be get some of this stress of my back. I always tripp on how quick I fall. Earlier today I was fine. Of course things were not all good but still my mood was great. But then I stopped driving an went into chill mode. Thats when it hit me. I just got this feeling like the bottom was about to fall out. But the good thing about me today is I know full well this will past. As long as I don't panic an do some dumb shit I will be ok. Mind you I'm def on dumb shit cause it was a feeling like what I have today that got me into the situation I'm in now.

It's been nearly 7 years since this all started an I'm still trying to digg myself out. So to keep grounded I look at it as a passing wave. If I ride the wave out the waters will calm an become still again. In the meantime I make post on twitter an facebook and now that I have this blog this is becoming an outlet as well. So if you every wonder where some of the crazy shit I say comes from this is the answer. I'm just trying to maintain my cool an stay sane.

I have been asked why don't I take meds. Well I tried that before an I hate the way they make me feel. Beside that I factioning just fine. I came to the realization a long time ago that even it gets hard for me to tell if what I'm feeling is real or not it's all in my head. Ok let me see if I can make this clear. You ever been hurt by someone you care about, I mean really hurt, broken hearted if you will. Well thats kind of the feeling I get accept know one has hurt me lately. But the feeling is always so real an so fresh it makes it hard to tell that is just in my head an its really not that serious. So I just let it go because I know that feeling will pass. It always comes back and since I deal with this all the time it makes it easier to handle.

I am so aware of the damage I can cause if I let it take me down to far. So I always keep in mind the time when I let this demon take over. Never again will I allow that to happen. I write about this alot because it was such a profound period in my life. I can never forget it or take it for granted, it cause to much harm. It's a constant fight everyday. Some days are better than others and somedays are great, but there are the days when it seems that my pain is what makes me feel like I'm alive. Thats not a good thing. Pain can be like a drug so addictive. Mind you I'm speaking of mental pain only. It can get to a point where you come to depend on it. And like a drug it will destroy you. So when I say crazy shit here and there I'm just trying to fight it off.

I gotta admitt when I started typing, I didn't think all of this was gonna come out. Thats how it happen just start typing an what comes out comes out. I remember what I learned about coping skills. writing really helps. Most people most like would not allow anyone to read what they write. I don't mind allowing anyone to read what I have to say because I'm obsessed with expression, also I feel like it's my way of giving back. you never know what people are going thru. Who knows maybe something I say my give someone whos having a hard time ideas about how to deal with what they are going thru, an maybe it may just save a life. So if a life can be saved or an ordeal be made easier how can I not share what I feel. Atleast thats how I see it. At one point or other someone shared something with me that made me take notice an stand up I'm just trying to pay it forward. Besides that I'm done typing and I feel a bit better. I think it's worth it. We all deal with what we deal with in our own way, this is mine.. TONE

Friday, May 20, 2011

We were born into this..

Have you watched the news lately or read the newspaper or maybe read the news feeds from yahoo or google. This world seems to have lost it's ever loveing mind. I always wwonder what makes people do some of the evil shit they do. hHave we lost our sence of what it is to be human. I'm nobodys judge nor am I perfect but I do know right from wrong. There are elements of our culture that veiw what we may concider  unacceptable behavior to be the right way to live. Killing, stealing, lying cheating. These are some of what is done daily in an effort to survive.

They say money is the root of all evil. If you pay close attention to the why behide the act you will find money to be th motivation behide many unspeakable acts. Now i'm from the hood which one really don't matter. Point is we can step outside of our homes an see the evil being done in the name of belly feeding and bill paying at any given time. I see it and I know you do as well.  But heres the trick bag. Thats small scale compared to whats really going on. Wars are being fought over oil thats why gas prices are so high. What about the lives that are being damage an  destroy so you can go by your woman that diamond engagement ring. Did you know that blood diamonds are for real. In some countries whole populations are being wiped out so the rich can keep getting rich. I don't claim to know everything about whats going on when it comes to these types of things. But I do understand that it is happening.

We were born into this world we did'nt ask for it. We spend our lives trying to make it as best we can. It's really a sad situation to be forced to do bad things just to eat. Look jobs are hard to come by these days. The saying goes if you don't work you don't eat. Well when you put people in the  position were they have to decide between a empty belly and hungry children an crime, what do you think they are gonna chose. They are going to do what ever it takes to survive an provide for there family. Thats just basic instinct. Even an animal will chew on it own leg before it straves. So you gotta know that people are not going to just roll over an die.

History has shown us time and time again that there are those in this world that want to see us die. From the days of the civil rights struggle up until today these an even farther back than that, these so called people have done any and everthing they can think of to keep a foot on our necks. They have done everything from enslaveing us to dening us our freedom and human rights to flooding our communites with drugs and guns. we have been murder by the thousands, beaten and treated less than doggs. Yet we continue to do there work for them. lets not blame what we do all on money. We do things to each other that has nothing to do with money. There is no excuse for the harm we cause ourselves.

I know we are so much more than we are showing at this point. But we continue to fall into the traps they set for us. you can't get a job so what should you do. I don't know but whats being done is we sell poison to our own brothers and sister mothers and father. And since my struggle is more important than yours and my life means more to me than yours im going to soo up my community and kill and destroy anybody whos from some place else. Now let us have ourselves a good old fasion drug war/gang war. An thats just what they want to do. I'm not from this community I'm on the outside looking in, but I want to use it as an example because it has gained the must headlines over the years.

Over the past 20 or 30 years South Central LA has been making the news due to the war between the Bloods and Crips. Thousands of young black lives has been lost to this war. Here is what I see. In that area there are three strong groups Bloods and Crips and Mexicans. while the B's and C's were killing each other the Mexicans have been sitting back watching. Now the Mexicans are trying to run the blacks out of  LA. As I said before I'm not from that area so if your from that area and you think I'm wrong please comment an give your opinon. You see they were gaining strength while we were destroying our numbers. A weak enemy is a easy enemy. I have heard reports that South Central LA is over 90% mexican now. please tell me how that happen. Ok here is something I do know about. South side of Chicago and the East side of  Detroit. Same problems we killing our selves an for what.

Black people please stand up and realize that these same armies you use to kill each other with would be more useful in helping eace other live. Maybe it's to late for that, maybe the tentions run to deep. All I know is that there is a better way I just hope we realize it before it's to late. STOP KILLING PEOPLE.. We as a people are better than that check your history..

Monday, May 16, 2011

still hopeful

You can't digg with a dull shavel , yet thats what I do everyday. Point I have dugg a hole so deep for myself that it could take years if not ever to get out. Being discouraged about this would be a normal reaction. You work hard everyday an do things the best way you know how, yet in the in you struggle much harder than you should. But when the problems you face are your own fault, the only thing to do is to suck it up an press on. I can't blame anybody but me for my situation nor do I try to, I just keep it moveing.

Mistakes are a part of life we can't avoid, seeing as we none are prefect. but the thing about that is, some mistakes can an will destroy a life. basicly thats what I have done to myself. I lost sight of the fact that I have more than me to concider. Even tho I always knew this I gave in to that which was trying to bring me down. O boy did I ever screw that up. I always need to keep that in mind because I'm hopeful that I will never allow myself to fall so far ever again.

At this point I'm just trying to push forward. I think i'm in way to deep to think I have a chance to totally recover, but I can and will work as hard as I can then work some more to make sure that the one's who depend on me are well taken care of. I stuck out here on the road doing what I need to do to make sure that happens. I know that soon I'm going to have to answer some really hard questions about what I did. these will be the same questions that I have never had answered. But if I am going to be truly able to show growth, then I will face these questions head on. I think the best I can hope for is to be able to use my mistakes as a teaching tool. I'm hopeful that the things I have done can be an example to my kids as to what not to do and how not to be.

There is no pride that I can take for spending so much time feeling sorry for myself an hateing life. But at the same time I am stronger much stronger than I ever have been before. So to anybody that wonders, know this I picked myself up out of the gutter all on my own. I'm still standing an will continue to stand as tall as a mountain because there is to much to lose if I don't. I still struggle everday but the difference is I don't stay there I don't dweal on my mysery. I do the best I can with the little that I have an I am ok with that.

You must pay a heavy price for wrong doings, an my mistakes cost a hole hell of alot. The most important of which is time. Time that I would much rather spend with my two kids but in the long run it will all workout for the best. I think that een tho there are lots of guys who would never allow themselves to be put in my situation, there are still more who would do nothing to make right there wrongs. I'm just trying to do whats rightas best I can. I stacked my own deck with all the wrong cards an since there are no do overs I must an will play my hand. despite the bigg hole I put in my foot when I shot my self in it I am always hopeful that I will find the redemption I am seeking.

Fatherhood is the most important thing to me. them two beautiful children God blessed me with deserve nothing less than my last drop of blood an so they shall have it. It really don't matter what happens to me all that matters is  that I spend everyday doing all I can to take care of them. If me being out here on these roads for the rest of  days is what it will take to make sure that happens then so be it. I struggle hard, I struggle daily but I do so with honor. I am TONE an I will never Tripp Over Nothing Else.... TONE

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Why I never get to close

I am not your aveage guy never have been. I had to admitt to myself a long time ago, that I am different from most men.  everything with me starts with childhood. For the longest time I never knew the effect my childhood had on me as an adult. It all hit me about ten years ago all at once. Turned out that my head was all messed up an I did'nt even know it. There I was liveing my life thinking everything was cool. I had a great job a beautiful baby girl and a woman that loved me as much as I loved her. But things were never right between us. For starters I am a loner in the truest since of the word. There are very few people that I call friend, always been that way. So me being use to always being alone kinda thru a wrence in my attempt to have a meaningful relationship. I had someone who wanted my time. there had been others before but they pretty much came handle business then went on there own way. Now I had someone who wanted to stay. I did'nt realize it at the time but I had no clue on how to have a real relationship. I mean really how could I, I had never had a real relationship with anyone before. needless to say it ended up being really bad an it took a real toll on me. I understand I am extremly sensitive. Well let me make that clear.

I am sensitive but only with women I allow to get close to me. In order for it to be seen I need to really care for her. Everybody else would never know it. Anyway outside of the only real relationship I had ever had there were others. And they were my teachers. They taught me that everybody is not worthy. liars, cheats, users and drama queens. They all showed me that I can't allow anybody to get to close ever. When ever I try they remind me that no one is to be trusted.

I feel pain in a way that I can only discrib as torment. Most people won't admit to there pain, but I have to other wise it will put me in a place that I my not recover from. true I do get lonely but I can't allow any one to bring me down ever again. I learned that people lie for what ever reason it don't really matter. But I know they lie about everything from being single to the level of interest they have in you. But if you sit back an pay attention lie will always tell on you.

Just listen to them tell you that they really care about you, but they never want to talk to you or when you spend time them it's seems like thats the last thing they want to do like it's a huge inconvinence. I have found myself wondering why, why do they even talk to me, why do they bother with me at all. The most confuseing part is the beginning. ever conversation seems like its the greatest you ever had. You find youself looking forward to talking to this person or spending time. Every thing looks promiseing. But some where along the way the bottom falls out.

The lies start or they don't seem to have time for you anymore. But instead of saying the interest isn't there they keep you at arms length, but when you start to pull away from them they pull you back just enough. I never understood that I have seen people who truly could careless act like you are crushing there world when you tell them you have had enough an want to move on. Why people do this I wish I had an answer for but I don't. The thing of it is thats not the worst of what I have seen.  Thats just the most resent. I only have one answer in dealing with this. The one thing I have always been good at is making the last time they see or talk to me the last time they see or talk to me ever. I can do this without a fight or argument or even a bad thought I just walk away an never look back. Never will I allow anyone to bring me to tyhe point where i'm hurting so bad the I could careless about life ever again. When I care I care foreal but it's like a light switch I can turn it off at any time without a second thought.

So to keep me from letting the wrong people in I never get to close usually but like anybody I make mistakes an read the wrong person the wrong way. But I have bigg feet real good for walking away.... TONE