It's been a minute

It's been a good while since I had the chance to work on my blogg. I really have missed it. But I'm back now an plan to be around for a long time to come. Allow me to share a small piece of my world with you.  I need to remember that I'm not texting, facebooking or tweeting here an need to use full spelling and puncuation and spell check if needed.  Never the less the journey thru my mental jungal continues. I look back on the past year or so and feel a mixture of feelings opinons and emotions. I feel I am just as strong in some areas as I am weak in others. I feel I can say that being that I am not afraid. Where some may be afraid to admitt they're weakness I am not. By accknowledgeing them I become stronger. I am able to pinpoint, seek out and improve upon my short comings. As with anybody I find the road I travel to be much more than a stright, flat and level road.  As a matter of fact it's more of a rollercoaster than it is a road.

Yet I am happy that I am still able to smile. Over the past couple of weeks I have been able to enjoy some of the beauty of this land a bit more. From the mountains of west Texas to the rolling hills of Wisconsin. I have been to all but two of the lower 48 states. I say you can keep the last two, "I'm cool on that". I'm feeling like I'm doing much more tha just working a job out here. I'm on a personal journey. I am learning things that I was either unable or unwilling to learn when I was home every night. No excuses it is what it is.  I feel as if I am learning about Adulthood, Manhood, Fatherhood and if there is such a thing Humanhood.  I am forced to do things in a way that I would not have chosen for myself on purpose. I say on purpose because it was my choses mistakes and neglect that put me where I am today. So in that since I chose this path for myself.  But what if, if was a fifth right.

The thing is I am learning. I know some would say as old as I am you would think I would have learned by now. To that I say, you learn how you learn and I will learn how I learn.  Since life is a journey that only ends when it's over. You are never to old to learn, no matter what the lesson.  I personally think that when you get to the point where you know everything and have nothing else to learn. You should go an find the nearest an tallest sky scrapper climb to the top take a nice relaxing swann dive an see if you can start over.  I'm just gonna keep learning. Now since I have made the haters do some jaw dropping, might I continue.  It's a simple lesson.... Never take anything for granted always give your best effort and the work is only beginning once you clock out at that job.  Also if it aint right move on before you find your self in too deep.

So for now I will end it here but I'll be back.... TONE

I'm lost but thats not a bad thing

There are a few ways I like to get lost, an they are not all bad or nasty. Music man I love music right now I'm listening to the ohio players "Heaven". An that is exactly what good music is to me. For me music is a stress reliever. It don't cure but dammed if it don't take your mind off of the shit thats bothering you. I like all kinds of music Rapp, R&B, Jazz, and Gosple there are even a few white people songs I like my favorite being Sarah Smile by Hall and Oates, I think they were lead by the Black spirit on that one. But I have found a new love for that old 70's music.

Being a 70's baby I remember my Mom, Aunt an Uncles playing Earth Wind and Fire, The O'jays, and Marvin Gaye. Back the I did'nt understand what they were talking about, I just liked how it sounded. But now I feel the meaning in the words, as far as i'm concrened the 70's was the greatest era in music. The funk the meaning the groove. It's a beautiful thing.

I really love music that speaks directly to me heart an my situation. Donnie Mcklurkin's We fall down is that song. That is a song that can't just sneak up on me, I have to perpare for that one. I have spoke on this before, it is a moment I will carrie with me for the rest of my life. If you don't already know I am an over the road truck driver. One night I was rideing thru Indianapolis about 3 in the am. I had the radio on full blast. I'm ridein an feelin the vibe, feeling the music. Then we fall down came on so since couldn't nobody else hear me I started pertending like I could sing. Please I couldn't carrie a note to save your life. But the song played on an I'm all into it and all of a sudden my voice cracked, an I felt this giant lump in my throat. Then I started thinking about all I had been going thru an the flood gates opened. Now I can't make words come out of my mouth an i'm trying to wipe tears from my eyes cause I still gotta control this big ass truck.

So here I am a bigg ass over grown Man rideing thru a city in the middle of the night with the hi way all to myself crying. But thats the thing I love the most about music. The right song can relieve so much stress. To this day I hear that song an I gotta brace my self. O an I betta not try singing along o it's over. I am a music lover. For the longest time I was stuck on gangsta rapp. But what I realized is, I was lacking love. Aint no love in gangsterism. So slowly I started getting more into R&B but that 70's sound aint nothing like it.  THANK GOD FOR GOOD MUSIC ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!! I love getting lost in the music no need to find my way back from that.. TONE

It's only a wish

They say, you never know what you have till it's gone. They say, you can't miss what you never had. They say you find what your looking for when you are not looking. Well I don't know how true that is or not. All I know is I have a vision of what I would like. I have a vision of something that may not exist. I listen to the music an hear them sing about love. I watch the movies an see them telling a beautiful story. But when I open my eyes an see reality, it aint nothing like that.

My vision maybe lost in a dream. A dream where everything is wonderful. Where the sunshines eternally on my life. Where I can have someone who wants to stand next to me as my equal an walk this journey with me. A dream where that one will want to up lift my instead of bringing me down. A dream where that one will be meant for me an only me. A dream where disputes are settled with adult conversation an not arguements an harsh words and regrets. I ain't Martin Luther King but I do have a dream.

I have a dream where I will find someone who is quick to listen rather than quick to blow a fuse an jusp to curseing. This dream has me with someone who is willing to do what ever it takes to make me happy. But my dream is not a selfish dream because the woman in this dream has a man who is willing to committ to her happiness. This woman in my dream has a man who only puts the one who depend on him the most. This woman in my dream has a man who spend everyday not only provideing for her but makes fall in love with him daily. She has a man who will go to the ends of  the earth to meet her needs.  She has a man who will do small things just to make her smile. this man does personal favors with limited expectations of a return favor just to ease her stress. The man I am in my dream sees no problem with a gift of flowers or a card that says THANK YOU for all you do, for no other reason than it's Tuesday.

100% effort breeds 100% effort does it not. Now a days I don't thinks so. Recent situations have lead me to believe that I shouldn't expect much. Snow in August is about the best I can hope for, meaning if you ask a simple question you may get everything but the truth. I have seen where it is eazier to explode rather than deal with the issues.  I have seen where words are the main focus no action needed an if the actions don't match the words denie, denie, denie, then blow up to avoid speaking on true feelings. I am still hopeful of having my dream come true. I read somehere "Never chase Love, affection or attention. If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having."

That statement woke something up inside of me. I was guilty of doing just that. I had to think hard an search for a reason why. An what I came up with is, since I have been alone for so long an it had been so long since I felt anything for anybody. I latched on to someone I thought I had a connection with, without takeing time to see how this person would react towards me. An because of this I found myself on a oneway street going the wrong way. So I had to ease up an back off, I lowered my hopes an expectations, as a matter of fact a better word would be cancled.

But I offten find myself wondering. Why do I concern myself with love when I have so many issues to deal with. The truth is bringing someelse into my world is not the best thing for me right now. This I know for sure yet it doesn't stop the longing. I don't trust people no farther than I can throw them yet that don't stop the longing. Mentally my head is still all screwed up I am paranoid to a fault, yet it don't stop the longing.

My past is filled with mistakes and failures, I can only hope to use them to create a better future be it alone or with the worthy one. So although I still dream my focus has changed no has been reaffirmed. I have stayed focused thru being sidetracked. Losing my focus caused major problems for me so no matter where my attention strayed to my focus has never changed. But I have a new understanding of patience. Sometimes we have to go thru storms to get to where we are headed. So I know it's not about me, what happens to me an where I end up is not the important issue. The issue is that I stay focused on whats important. Simple math.. TONE

Zombism

in the movies, when you see a ZOMBIE they are what is suppose to be the walking dead. They rome around aimlessly looking for victims. The are focus only on the hunger they feel. They moan an groan there is no life only animation. movement with purpose. The soul is dead but the body keeps going.

Of course this could never happen in real life. Once your dead your dead. But still ZOMBIES do exist. If you pay close attention you would see them everywhere. No they are not the walking dead. They are the people that never seem to learn. They make mistakes over and over again, get themselves into bad situations time after time. Most people tend to learn from the mistakes they make an try not to repeat them. A ZOMBIE never learns. Every thought, every action, every decition everything he does seems to lead him down the word path.

Some how a ZOMBIE tends to be very good at misinterputation, he always reads people the wrong way. He misreads situations an has his focus in the wrong place. A ZOMBIE looks like anybody else an is highly fuctional and very smart. He just can't stop the endless cycle of making the same mistakes over and over again. He suffers from what I call ZOMBISM. An inabilty to learn an see things clearly an for what they really are.

I speak on ZOMBISM because I have come to realize I am a ZOMBIE. As I search an reflect on my life, I am becoming more an more aware the I keep getting myself into situations that I should have been learned from. No matter how hard I try so things I just can't learn. I find myself lost in the thought of something that I may want but should'nt have. I give people credit that they should'nt have, an I read more into things an people than I should. Doing these always leaves me with a feeling of regret. I feel stupid because it is a road I always find myself on. I should no better.
Do to the fact that I am a ZOMBIE I try to keep my inner circle to just me. It's safer that way.

This way I don't allow the wrong people to get to me. People are my biggest problem. So I like to keep them far away. Someday I hope to cure myself of this but until then I just gotta try to see better.

Just wondering

So many questions go unanswered, life don't come with how to instructions. This being the case we need to find our own way in this world. Have you ever tried to feel your way around in the door in a strange room. Life to me is something like that. The exception being that in life you go thru certain situations over and over again. Therefore it would'nt be the first time in that dark room. But when you fail to learn the first time you go thru what ever that may be you tend to repeat the same mistakes over again.

Just as you may make the same mistakes you are likely to make all new ones. You may think you have learned but the only thing you really learned is not to do that one thing you did before. You failed to learn the right thing to do so instead of making the same mistake you make an entirely new one. Frustrating aint it. There is an old saying, the older you get the dummer you get. To me this makes sence because it is hard for some to find the right answer. Sure you can seek advice for others, but becareful in doing that the one you seek advice from maybe just as screwed up as you.

We all have our onw burdens so tring to talk to others in an effort to ease the stress can be a complete waste of time. They are not interested in your problems nor do they care. Hell they got there own problems to deal with. And then there are the so called friends who would steer you down the word path just to watch you suffer. It's hard to know who to trust an who really has your best interest at heart.

I have tried to  be a true friend to people but I find myself always getting the short end of the stick. If there is an issue someone needed to get of there chest, I would try to listen without judgement even if it was something I really did'nt want to hear about. But all I got in return was what ever your feeling I really don't care an don't want to hear about it. Then there have been times when I did anything and every thing I could to show a friend that I was truly in there corner only to have them turn around an say to me, if what i'm doing aint good enough for you then you should leave me alone. So I just wonder what is a true friend an how do you know when you really have one. Cause to be frankly honest I don't think I have ever really had a true friend. An seeing as how I don't put much stock in people as it is, I don't hold out much hope of ever having one.

Thick and thin what is that these days I think thats not a real concept. Think about it, you have family and friends anyone of which can an will turn they backs own you in a heart beat. Nobody stands with anybody anymore. The closest person to you can be the one to stabb you in the back for any number of reason. So I wonder how can you trust anybody. I don't have a answer for that so I stay to myself an don't let anybody get to close. So many questions left unanswer. Why do we treat each other the way we do? Why is it every time we see someone gaining ground in life we feel the need to pull them down? Why do we pertend to care knowing full well you don't really give a damm? Why do we lead people on? Why do we act like we don't care until we see the one that cares about us start to walk away, an why is that when we decide to show some effort? Why is our effort so short meaning we do just enough to shut them up for awhile then go back to what we been doing. Why do we think everybody is so stupid that they can see our lies?

I mean I could go on and on. It is a sad state we as people are in. I just wonder if we can ever get it together an be real with each other. I refuse to be that way (FAKE), I refuse to treat anybody less than the way I want to be treated. I refuse to settle for FAKENESS. And I refuse to have anyone do anything for me just to shut me up. Bottom line I should'nt have to ask for sertain things an if I do then it actually getting done means nothing because it's only being done because I brought it up, that cheapins it. It doesn't come from the heart. Then as always its back to normal. FUCK NORMAL it aint doing shit for me.

I'M FINDING MY WAY SLOWLY BUT SURELY

Beauty, the persence of something extremly pleasant to the eye. ugliness that which is distrubing and/or unpleasant. fulfillment, desire, rage, confussion, understanding, knowledge ignorance, generousity, selfishness. Mistakes, accomplishment, happiness, anger, fatigue, energy, the ablity to continue when you just want to give up. Mental strength, weakness, that which is hard at first sight but once you get set off into it turns out not to be so bad. You see life has many highs and lows peaks and valleys, yet from birth we set out on a journey to become strong, knowledgeable, powerful. We win, we lose but we fight on no matter what. The object is to become the best we can be as human beings.

Along the way we tend to stumble, fall, shead blood, but we always get up and press on. This is one of the many things  that make us strong. I believe that it is adversity the makes us into warriors. Picture this, there are some who were born with a silver spoon in there mouth, sure we all wish we could have been born that way. I know I do, but most people the came into this world rich will never need to struggle. They have the best of everything. Homes, cars, education etc. But let them fall on hard times an they won't know how to survive. They don't know what it is to wonder where that next meal is going to come from or where they are going to lay there head at night. granted we non want to have that worrie. But the fact that no matter how far we may rise when an if the wall falls down we can handle it. Now i'm not saying it's easy. But if you can feed a family of four on a pack of ground beef an a box of maccironi, thats saying something. It says you know how to make do. You know how to make the best out of what little you have.

I have made the statement that I'm good at being broke. I mean really is that something to bragg about. HELL NAW. But I am a survivor, know matter how bad things get I can do alot with very little. So to the fact I am grateful because I can always find a way. But as I grow an become stronger, I still struggle hard, alot harder than I should. Things run thru my head at an alarming rate. I find it hard to deal sometimes. I don't know where I'm headed or which way I'm going. Thats where I need to get stronger mentally I can get so caugth up in feelings and I forget that I have a purpose. My head aint right this I know. don't get me wrong. I'm not the dude in front of the liquior store talkin to himself  with a 40oz in his hand. No I'm the guy sittin off some where alone an quite stareing at the world thru a 1000 yard glare off in deep thought.

My point is as we adapt to the adversity we face daily, but just underneath is an even greater struggle. My struggle happens to be dealing with all that I feel. Yea I know people say whats with this dude he is always talkin about feelings. Well I understand that everything I feel has meaning. I don't know the meaning an I'm trying to figure that out. I think in the long run I will be better for it. So I confront these feelings head on instead of holding them in. True I get into trouble an even lose friends from time to time. But one who hasn't went thru it won't understand, one who is disconnected from people won't care. I see this all the time. But I have found away to say exactly what I feel an there is no one to shut me down, make me feel crazy or stupid. I share what I feel an since this is America you have a choice read it or don't. That really don't matter to me. What matters is that I get it all out, if someone reads my writings an can take something positive from it that makes me happy. But judgement I don't an won't accept.

So as I sit here listening to my play list an letting the words flow I'm having a great therpy session all by my lonesome I'm good with that. it may not make sence to you, may not be a happy tail. But it damm sure aint a wooo is me tail either. I am encouraged more an more with every key stroke. The more I can get out there more  I begin to see that altho there are some who want me to think I'm crazy I'm not. I see whats in me. The words dance in front of me like a stripper with a bigg butt. By the end of the night I will feel like a million bucks. I only wish I had the mill to spend. but thats niether here nor there. I'm beginning to see I am addicted to writing, I just don't wanna stop typing all my tention, anxiety an insecurities come flowing out thru my finger tipps. Aint nothing like it. Taking all this negative energy an doing some positive with it. Not placing blame or downing anyone for anything, just freeing my mind an letting it all flow out. This is how I am learning to survive making the best of a bad situation.

I am really starting to come gripps with the fact that I am meant to be alone. When I allow outsiders into my world mainly someone I can or try to get close to I get thrown of track an my mind really starts to wonder. But when I'm alone an I start to write it's a entirely different ball game. So I may get lonely but I'm better off. I may lose friends here an there but there is one who will never leave me. So hot doggs an pork n beans, an something to write with is all I need. I have a purpose this I know for sure. Issues, problems, raceing thoughts what ever it don't matter. Because right now I am pure, clean, untainted. I am a giant in my own world. So if in the end I am Howard Hughs, ok I accecpt that. It's been real it was fun while it lasted but the friends I lose will more than likely be better off without me an I without them. Less stress is my goal rather I'm stressin somebody or somebody is stressin me. Live life be happy an make the most of what you have.. I AM MR 1DEEP SOLO THE ETURNAL LONER God made me that way for a reason. thats why I have a hard time dealing with people I'm not suppose to. That saying there is someone for everyone that maybe true for you but I am on a different path I can see that clearly now. All the signs point to something higher I will find my way..  4EVER TONE

Gotta get'em off me

It's gonna sound crazy, but I have a creature sitting on my shoulders. He's like a tormenter, pulling my strings when ever he feels like it. It's like he has a hand in the back of my skull controlling my every thought, mood and emotion. When ever something goes wrong in my daily life is when he goes to work on me. Right now he is pushing me to the point where I can't take it anymore. This thing is my very own personal version of Tyler Derden. He just won't let me be. I try as hard as I can to keep comtrol. But he is stronger than I am.

Before I am wrote of as insane let me be clear. I am not delusional. This creature I am speaking of is everything in me that gets me down to my lowest point. It's the feelings I feel when it seems like my world is crashing crashing down. It's not that I see some crazy looking animal sitting on my neck when I look in the mirror. In order for me to make sence of whats in my head I put a name and a face to it. It is another side of me. A side that I am not happy with. These past few days have been really hard for me when it comes to staying in a good frame of mind. It's like I'm holding on to my sanity by a thin thread.

It is a hard pill to swallow when things go wrong thru no fault of my own. It feels like there is someone somewhere make bad things happen for the shear pleasure of wacthing me crumble. There are things going on with me right now that are making to scream to the top of my lungs WHY, for what prepose did this have to happen. If I do something make a mistake I can accept that. But when things happen out of the blue an I can't explain it. I gotta wonder why this shit drives me crazy to know end.  I can be the smallest thing, I have a need to always be in control of me. So when I'm going along with my day and things are going the way they should I feel like I'm in control, handleing things the way they should be. I'm no fool I am fully aware that things happen in life that can an will throw you off your game. but some of the things that happen to me that are seemingly small can have very large consequence. They can cause major set backs that I can't afford to have happen. With my situation being what it is what happens to me doesn't just eefect me it also effects those I am responsible for. They are to important to have anything get in the way of that. So if I do something to offset that it's not good but I can understand that, but when it's something thats not of my doing I feel it called for. An I get a feeling like the planets are lined up against me.

There are so many things I see in myself that I need to fix. Maybe the most important things is, when things go wrong even if it not of my own doing I need to stay claim an deal with it better. My main goal is to just get better as a man, father and human being. I need a guide book for dummies I guess, but there are just somethings that make me crazy. So this creature sittin on my back gonna have to get on. Cause I need my sanity I got to much work to do an no time for bullshit. TONE